Hard to believe; Part II.

First we ask, “why me?” I think we ask this because we’ve now acknowledged that we are in pain and want to know why we’re in pain, obviously. After everything we’ve done, here’s the second question, “why did I deserve this?” I believe people go through struggle to only come out stronger. It’s not that we deserved it initially, but in a way, we needed to feel struggle to overcome our own struggle, which is ourselves. Everyday we’re in a battle with ourselves. We fight with ourselves so we can do better and better. I’m sure most people want to only better themselves rather than discourage themselves. In result, here we are in the pursuit of happiness.

Now here’s my “why” question. Why do you think the phrase "the pursuit of happiness" exists? Note, that it’s only a pursuit. So, happiness is something we'll never truly get right? The way I see this is that we can only pursue it. And perhaps in the process of pursuing it could make us happy but that is not happiness because happiness is only something meant to be pursued! It’s a harsh reality that happiness doesn’t really exist if you think about it. I think we reach a point where we’re content and we think that it’s happiness only to realize later that we were completely wrong. That it was only a temporary high that we’d slowly fall down on and this is where we become in denial all over again just like in the beginning.

I’ve said before in my past journals that life is a cycle of repetitive occurrences with a twist. What I mean is that it’s same story, different day basically. It’s weird how these thoughts come to me all of a sudden. I’m only eighteen years old and I feel that I’ve gone through so much. Even though I’m young, I’ve aged over the years. It’s frightening to have these thoughts because it keeps me up at night but sometimes it’s hard for me to find the right words to live up to my excessive thoughts and when I do write, I feel like I could have done better in wording it. But that’s just me. Here I am, fighting with myself again. You see, I don’t think my thoughts are based on just my opinion. I believe it’s real, that it’s true that we are always in a pursuit. But the infinite question remains, why? And here we go again.

**This blog is inspired by a conversation I had with Quan.